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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27235537">We Did the M*A*S*H</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingJoke/pseuds/LivingJoke'>LivingJoke</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>MASH (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abnormally Large Penis, Anal Sex, Asexual Character, Asexual Rights, Big Dicks, Comedy, Crying, Extreme horniness, Foot Fetish, Gay Rights, Gay Sex, I learned their names from wikipedia, I've never seen MASH, M/M, Masturbation, Micropenis, My boyfriend wanted me to write a fan fiction where he has sex with father mulcahy, Parody, Porn With Plot, Pubic Hair, Robotic Penis, Sexual Fantasy, Showers, Slightly Out Of Character, Small Penis, Smut, Threesome - M/M/M, Time Travel, Trans Male Character, Trans rights, butthole ramming, he wasn't fucking dead, he... did the MASH, if you will, my boyfriend wants to fuck everyone at the MASH</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:09:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27235537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingJoke/pseuds/LivingJoke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader is on a mission to fuck every member of the MASH... and they succeed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>"Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, "Trapper" John McIntyre/Reader, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce/Reader, Father Francis Mulcahy/Reader, Henry Blake/Radar O'Reilly, Maxwell Klinger/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Forgive Me Daddy, For I Have Sinned ;)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've never seen MASH. My boyfriend wants to fuck Mulcahy. He made me write it.</p><p>The opinions offered in this work are fictional and do not represent the author's views.<br/>Apart from the social commentary on the American government.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Forgive Me Daddy For I Have Sinned ;)</p>
<p>By</p>
<p>Meat Stallion</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a cold night in the Korean War. You needed something to warm you up. Or someone. Hawkeye had hit on you several times before asking you if you wanted to ‘shoot his crossbow’ if ya know what I mean. You considered this while looking down at your phone and staring at his number in your contacts. You noticed under his name was Houlihan and you thought “Wow. She’d be a Majorly good fuck.” But you decided against it. There was only one person on your radar and it wasn’t Radar. The only one you wanted was Daddy Frankie Mulcahy. “Lead me not into temptation” bitch you thought.</p>
<p>The next morning, you put your plan into action. It was Sunday and Mulcahy was in the church doing Catholic things like reading the Bible and eating wafers or whatever.  You decided to stop by and pay him a visit.</p>
<p>“Hey, Daddy - I mean Father,” you said to him, “What a lovely church you got here. Would love to have some of that semen you’re always talking about.”</p>
<p>“Um,” he said nervously, “Do you mean SERMONS?”</p>
<p>“Oh right,” you said sexily, “Silly me. I guess that’s what I meant. So anyway, I hear this is the place to, as you say, taste the flesh.”</p>
<p>Mulcahy blushed redder than the blood in the OR. Before he could respond, Major Frank Burns walked in the church. He was evil so he immediately burst into flames and died.</p>
<p>“That was pretty fucked up,” you said and laughed</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Mulcahy agreed, “Pretty fucked up.”</p>
<p>You exited the church and gave a wink to Father Mulcahy on your way out. He grabbed his pearls and said “Oh my word!” because he is a good good angel catholic boy and he cannot partake in the sins of the flesh. You were a dirty dirty boy surgeon and you wanted to tease him a little. Because you like a little foreplay before getting rawed on the battlefield.</p>
<p>You went to work that day thinking about Mulcahy and what he’s packing under that robe. But there was no time for saucy thoughts because Trapper was hit by a bomb! He wasn’t fucking dead! The meat on his chest was gone and his ribcage was obliterated so his heart was like just hanging out there and you could see his neck bones!</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, baby,” Hawkeye said, “We got this. We’re gonna fix you right up.”</p>
<p>Hawk laid a tender kiss on his lover and then stood up, wiped his tears, and put on a brave face.</p>
<p>“Major Houlihan,” Hawkeye said, “I’ll be the one to donate my chest meat to him. Anything for my love, Trap Trap.” </p>
<p>You noticed this display of bravery and affection from the man you suspected only cared about a different kind of meat. His penis. But you could tell, he had a heart under all that manly chest hair. Trapper was screaming in agony the whole time. It’s what he deserves.</p>
<p>“Okay, guy,” said Houlihan, “We’ll start the procedure as soon as possible. Klinger! Get in here!”</p>
<p>“But Major! I’m not a surgeon! But would you like me to DRESS the wound!”</p>
<p>Radar played a sound on his phone that went like “buh dum tss” and Klinger pulled off his dress to reveal another dress. This dress looked sorta like a nurse uniform and he said “Hey, Ray-Ban is having a charity event. Only $39.99 for Ray-Ban sunglasses. Also watch The Boys season 2 on Amazon Prime.”</p>
<p>“Klinger,” said Radar, “Those things don’t exist yet! Unless you’re like maybe a TIME TRAVELER or something.”</p>
<p>Suspenseful music played as you stared into the camera like Guillermo from What We Do In the Shadows because, unbeknownst to the other doctors, you time traveled back to the Korean War to fuck Father Mulcahy!</p>
<p>You remembered your mission and you knew that if you didn’t participate in coitus with the priest, the world would end in the future. You were sent back from the year 2021 to save humanity and find love too. And also get rawed on the battlefield. You took off out of the tent and ran back to the church. Mulcahy was sitting in his pew reading like a religion book or something. You put your finger on the page to distract him and bring his gaze up to your face. You leaned down and you gave him a wet sloppy smooch. When you were done kissing, after like 10 minutes or something, he looked at his book again and it had a big hard penis on it. Like eleven inches of peen on his book.</p>
<p>“My dear Y/N, this is rather unorthodox, don’t you think? For I am a humble priest and cannot marry or bone due to my religiousness.”</p>
<p>“But, Father, I have a confession to make.”</p>
<p>“What is your confession, my child?”</p>
<p>You leaned in and whispered in his ear</p>
<p>“I’m really horny.”</p>
<p>Father Mulcahy was like</p>
<p>“Hmm. Well, for repentance you need 10 Hail Marys and a good long fuck.”</p>
<p>He lifted his robe up and he had like a really big cock under there and he put his robe on top of it and it held it up because he was so hard from years of horniness and he never even orgasmed before. This was Father Mulcahy’s first time and he wanted it to be special and who else was more special than a time traveler!</p>
<p>You got on your knees and wrapped your juicy man lips around the head of his throbbing member. It was engorged beyond belief and pre-cum was leaking out of the tip. You suckled like a piglet on its mother’s teat. Mulcahy did like a O_O face because this was his first BJ, besides Hunnicutt ;)</p>
<p>You basically vored his cock, which some would call deppthroating, but vore is so much hotter. After your wet mouth was done with its meal, you took off your pants and bent over one of the pews with your juicy asshole gaping for his semen.</p>
<p>“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” you said,</p>
<p>“Don’t you mean, Punish me, Daddy, for I have been naughty?” he asked</p>
<p>“Ooh yes,” you cried, “Fuck me like the American government fucks the people.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” said Mulcahy, “Social commentary makes me so horny.”</p>
<p>And he was like</p>
<p>“Do you want me to take it slow, Y/N?”</p>
<p>“No,” you said, “I like it rough. Just ram my asshole.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he said and he took 10 paces back and had a running start before plowing his cock inside your butt on impact.</p>
<p>“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” you said</p>
<p>“That’s the way Father likes it,” he said and ejected his meat rocket</p>
<p>He took another 10 paces back and repeated the process several times over for like a half hour. After that, your b-hole was so satisfied and his fleshcicle was ready to ejaculate semen onto your cranium. You wrapped both of your hands around his huuuuuuuuuuge penis and jerked him off like he was a guy with a big penis.</p>
<p>“You know,” you said, “I’m from the future. So I guess this is how they invented the Shake Weight haha,” you laughed</p>
<p>“Hahahahhahaha,” he laughed, “I don’t know what that means.”</p>
<p>“Just splooge all over me, Father”</p>
<p>“You got it, Y/N”</p>
<p>And with one more good tug n’ lick, his creamy ropes shot out all warm and fuzzy on your face. It felt like home. It reminded you of how lucky you were to be chosen from the time academy to come back and fuck Father Francis Mulcahy.</p>
<p>The End</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two Cocks Are Better Than None</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three Cocks Are Better Than None</p><p>By</p><p>Meat Stallion</p><p>I’m reading this while writing it. You had cumpleted your mission. Your gaping meatus was leaking juicy cock milk as you walked back to your tent that night. You slept well knowing that you had saved the future by being Daddy Mulcahy’s first fuck. You thought about maybe fisting him next time idk. You could do whatever (and whoever) you wanted now that the world was safe. You dreamed about licking his butthole like a candy.</p><p>The next day, you took a hot steamy shower in a shower you brought with you from the future and masturbated vigorously. Wanking your massive peen thinking about all the hot dirty nasty sex you’d have with the other dirty dirty boy surgeons today. You walked out of your tent and bumped into Hawkeye.</p><p>“Woah howdy lil partner,” he said, “Did someone forget to throw on some britches?”</p><p>You looked down and realized you were completely naked! You should have realized because your massive man meat was dangling and scraping along the ground, shoveling dirt deep into your urethra.</p><p>“Wowza bowza,” you said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize. I must have been lost in thought.”</p><p>“That’s okay, handsome dude man,” Hawkeye said, “Normally I’d ask to shovel that fleshy banana deep into my gob but my bf Trap Trap has just awoken from his chest meat surgery and I need to be there to see how he looks.”</p><p>You noticed that Hawk now had a mess of bandages where his chest meat should be. He was responsible for the transplant after Trapper got hit with a big fucking homophobic ass bomb that targeted gay men. You looked Hawkeye up and down and noticed his huge big bulge in his undergarments. Korean War? More like Battle of the Bulge amiritie?</p><p>The big horn blew. Radar, the camp burglar, was on top of a tall thing that like a pirate would stand on but instead of a telescope, he was holding a bugle by the shaft and blowing deep inside it like one of your inflation fics. That signaled that it was time to go back to your tents.</p><p>Hawkeye bolted off toward the OR tent where Trapper was being kept under the watch of Houlihan. His big plump backmeat bouncing as he jogged.</p><p>“Ah, guy,” Houlihan said, “It’s you.”</p><p>She hated Hawkeye’s handsome and piercing blue eyes like a pool of cum with food coloring in it and his flowing brown poopy hair. She wanted to fucking knock his stupid ugly block off with her fists of fury. She hated white people.</p><p>You followed Hawk into the tent and Houlihan asked permission to smack your buttocks on the way out. You agreed because you wanted to bury your face between her hot lips if you know what I mean and she did it because consent is important and you felt respected.</p><p>You meandered over to Trapper who was lying in a sleeping bag with a brand new chest made of manly chest hair and meat. It was obviously Hawkeye’s.</p><p>“Hey, baby boy,” Hawk said, “I’m glad you’re okay. I love you and I want you to have a long and happy life with me. Chest or no chest.”</p><p>“But what about you,” Trapper said, “Your… your meat is gone!”</p><p>“Yes,” he said seductively, “but I have a new chest.”</p><p>He unraveled his bandages to show a new and shiny robot chest with big pulsating nipples and succulent areolas. Trapper squealed with excitement and began sucking the nips like a malnourished infant. Hawkeye came in his trousers.</p><p>Hawkeye motioned for you to come over and join in. You, of course, were all aboard this boy train so you obliged and began to slurp his robo milk.</p><p>“Wow, Y/N,” Hawkeye moaned, “I didn’t take you for a fuckboi what with you being a city slicker and all.”</p><p>“Yeah?” you said, “You haven’t felt the half of it yet. Now I’m gonna bend over and open my hole for that hundred dollar cock, Ben Franklin.”</p><p>You winked and spread your mancheeks. Trapper did the same and you could see all his curly pubis that matched his jingly head hairs.</p><p>“So who gets to go first?” Trapper asked</p><p>“Oh, baby,” Hawkeye said, “My chest wasn’t the only meat altered in the surgery.”</p><p>He unzipped his pants and his robo-dick sprung out. It grew ten more inches than normal and split into two fully erect 12 inch penises. Both of which jammed deeply into the assholes of the surgeon men in front of him. He didn’t even need to thrust. They did all the pumping for him. Hawkeye just laid back and read his copy of Catcher In the Rye that he got autographed by the author, John Lennon.</p><p>You moaned and sputtered as the metal penis split once more and a third one jumped into your mouth and down your throat. You were being fucked from all angles by Hawkeye with Trapper right beside you. He had almost passed out from all the pleasure and was lying in a pool of his own cum, gently moaning and groaning with delight.</p><p>“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!!!!!” Hawkeye yelled and you knew what was cumming.</p><p>His robotic peenies ejaculated into all of your holes and leaked out of all sides, no matter how much you swallowed. It may have been a fake dick but it was all real cum. Taken from samples that Hawk jerked out before the operation.</p><p>You lied there with Trapper as Hawkeye joined you both in the middle. He kissed you both of the lips and grabbed your asscheeks.</p><p>“This is the only gun I’ll be carrying,” he said</p><p>The End</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Mashy Mashy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is a special Asexual rep chapter in honor of Valentine's Day &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I finally saw some episodes of MASH so I know what I’m talking about now. I’m writing this on my bf’s juicy cake. Backmeat so fine you could bounce a quarter off of it. He made me take my laptop off his juicy cake. Now I’m sad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyday when you’re walking down the street, everybody that you meet has an original sex fantasy. You already completed two/three of them with your cock-ramming priest friend and </span>
  <span>hackeyes gIGANTIC robopeneeeeeenng. </span>
  <span>You were filled to bursting point with cum and sweae and semen and gay. You licky licky all the dicky. Now it was time for a little more slime. Klingon? Klingoff. As in taking off Klinger’s panties. And sexing him. A lot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You looked down at your time travelling bracelet and noticed that you were out of time leaps. It was a one time time leap to fuck Daddy M. You knew it was a suicide mission going in and now you’re stuck in the Korena War but at least you’re fuckin. You begfan to walk to the shower tent to clean off Hackeye’s robo motor oil that settled in your holes and Kliger steppig in frot of you and said</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Heeeyyyyyyooooooooooo SLUT”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh hey, Klinger! I didn’t see you there! I was just going to shove a shower head up my asshole to washout the enema of semen that has been injected into me. Would you care to help? You can just use your tongue if it’s too far to walk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“HOOTY HOOT TWO BIRDS THE COOT,” Klinger said and ran away, guns blazing as he fired into the night sky haphazardly</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah shucks,” you said as you watched him disappear into the dark void of Korean war, “I wanted to get my ASS ate! Dick sucked balls tugged on one by one and have my titties smacked with a little paddle. Maybe next time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You arrived at the showers and began to scrub a dub dub all the little sperm boys out of your hair and lip stache. Little balls of cum dropped to your feet and you wished Klinger was there to lick them off. Gooey gooey balls of CUM in Klinger’s dry and nasty mouth. You pictured his miniscule cock and how you could flick it with your tongue and that’s as close to a blowjob as you could give him but that was ok because you just LOVED cock. Cock is one ofyour favorite tastes. Not only that but balls smell amazing. You are angry, horny, libido’s wild. You pictured licking Klinger’s asshole and how it tasted like soot and poo. You smiled and rubbed your peepee hard and fast and hard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh FUCK,” you heard from behind you and you opened your eyes and turned around</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Local sex pervert Radar was standing in the shower with you and masturbating vigorously. His penis was even smaller than Klinger’s. You know how big Klinger’sdick is because you saw his portrait in a museum about the smallest dicks during the Korean War. There were a lot of small discks in the Korean War because war makes pepe tiny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Radar ejaculated a tiny spurt of cum out of his pathetic peashooter and ran away crying because he didn’t like boys looking at him when he perverted on them. You knew he was going to go blow Henry after this to lift his spirits. He always did that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anyway, your orgasm was ruined by this pathetic cuck bitch’s interruption so you had to start all over again but the water was getting cold so your peepee was shriveling up to 9 inches which is too tiny for your massive man meat which could go up to 20 inches in the right situation. It was so big that you had the words “Trans Rights” tattooed onto it so everybody knew where you stood when you waved that donger around like a lasso to rope in the MASH boys (and maybe girls idk yet).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Six weeks later</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Klinger was polishing his toes when you walked in and noticed his BMTs (big meaty toes). You thought “Dayum them feet so fine Quentin Tarantino would cream his pants just looking at them” and regained your footing (get it? hehe).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Klinger produced another bottle of nail polish from his rectum and began to slather it on his body in places where the sun don’t shine (his toes). His rectum is like a tasteful purse. A tasty one too, you thought. Meow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You stood there watching him polish his toes without saying a word. The great monumental reputation this man had for being the snazziest dresser with the smallest penis was outstandingly intimidating. You were star struck the second you spotted that famous dong. He was wearing a tight pink dress with no panties and he was spread eagly as he panted his toes. The hairs of his pubis were longer than his peen. You salivated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You walked over and said</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey all we gotta do is get to the fucking. This is shaping up to be the longest chapter. This is a special after many many moons of waiting or whatever the fuck you said idk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Klinger looked at you quizically and said “no thank you” and you understood because consent is important so you went to go fuck someone else</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The End?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>FIN?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To be Continues?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>GAME OVER?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Who won?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Who’s next?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You decide!</span>
</p>
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